I'd like to be positive and upbeat, but that isn't how I am feeling right now. I seem to be riding a roller-coaster of emotions. One minute, all is well. Next, I have crashed and the tears are flowing again. There have been so many tears these past few weeks.
I know I am not alone in this. The longer term impact of months in lock-down seems to be hitting people now. We have each had our own individual experience of the past 6 months. The challenges we have each faced have varied depending on all sorts of factors. Our living arrangements. Our work situation. Our health.
For me, it is feeling like I need to make a huge adjustment. I want to feel excited by life and the possibilities ahead but I feel really unsettled and unsure. I am wary of people. And, I don't like to feel that way, it's not my natural state. I am feeling more judgemental than I like to think I am.
I am really struggling with the noise that people make, loud voices really irritate me. Just 'shussh', please. I have become so sensitive to external stimulation. My instinct is to find somewhere quiet to hide. But, then my mind rushes in and says 'you can't do that, you just need to get over yourself, stop being so precious'. Which is just as quickly countered by 'of course, be kind to yourself, you know what you need, trust yourself'.
My natural state is to be curious and open to different ideas and perspectives, and that serves me well, in 'normal' times. Today, I'd love to be able to believe in something, to feel safe and supported. Yet, all I see is confusion and contradiction and a bonkers scramble in my head as I attempt to make some sense of it all.
I want to be able to trust myself. To trust that I 'know' what is needed and what I can do. Ah, perhaps this is something that needs time and attention.
Perhaps it's why I do what I do in creating a space to witness others as they access their inner wisdom, and knowing. Having the gift of being witnessed, being seen and heard, in all our messiness, and not knowing. There is the possibility that something will emerge which we may not otherwise have seen. And, to have it witnessed by another, and a camera, allows us the opportunity to see it for ourselves too.