I recognised a familiar feeling this week. I was caught in a place of being unable to decide what to do. Over the past few weeks, since I have been visiting the beach most days, I have looked longingly at the sea and imagined going in for a swim.
Sometimes I have even put on my swimsuit before leaving home in an attempt to 'act as if' I am going swimming and make it more likely that I will actually do it.
But, so far, no swimming has happened. Paddling, yes. But swimming, no.
The reasons have been many (or are they excuses?). Too cold. Too windy. Tide too far out. Tide too far in. Murdock won't like it and will bark from the shore. I don't really want to. I could if I wanted to, but clearly I don't want to enough. I don't have time. I'll get wet! What if I get into difficulty, then what? That'd be irresponsible, wouldn't it? Best not go in then.
Today, I didn't have a swim at the beach I was at but I did make myself do something I'd wanted to do but had also been putting off. There's a huge area of rocks which get uncovered at low tide and reveal some gorgeous looking areas of sand at the water's edge. Not many people venture out that way, preferring to stick with the main sandy beach. As I was packing up to leave I realised I did really want to explore and would regret it if I didn't take the opportunity. All the reasons not to came flooding in. I was tired. I didn't have time. It might be dangerous. What it the tide turned before I got back? What if I slipped and hurt myself? What was the point anyway? Murdock might lose his ball!
And, so we did. Murdock and I went for an adventure somewhere new. It was stunningly beautiful. The water in the rock pools was as warm as bathwater. The smell of the seaweed and sea air was blissful. The tide was turning but I allowed plenty of time. It was great. And, all the more satisfying because I had made myself do it when I could so easily have not bothered.
Do you ever find yourself wanting to do something but talking yourself out of it? Or, do you just decide and do, and wonder what all my procrastination is about? It feels so familiar to me to build up so much resistance to something, and then when I finally get over myself I wonder what ever got in my way.
Maybe, just maybe, I'll actually get in the water before I leave in a couple of days time.