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How Do I Want To Feel?

At first glance the question, "what do I want?" seems to be about having something. I want some cake, I want a holiday, I want a job, I want a partner and so on. Thinking along those lines isn't floating my boat, or making me excited about the possibilities.

Instead, if I focus on how do I want to feel, then it gets more interesting.

Way back, when I was in my early 30's and suffering with depression, I recall often saying "I just want to be happy". I didn't get any more specific than that. And, it seemed elusive. Happiness.

Today, as I ponder on how I want to feel I have already disappeared down a rabbit hole of investigating the difference between emotions and feelings. Seems emotions are physical and instinctive, whilst feelings are sparked by emotions and influenced by life experience, beliefs and thoughts. Maybe this is a distraction from the task in hand!

When I think about how I want to feel what emerges is wanting to know that I matter.

I want to feel excited about the day ahead when I wake up. I want to feel challenged and stretched, but not too much. I want to test out my edges, and discover what is possible.  

But, the essential container for all of this is the feeling of being connected, of being a part of something bigger than myself, and knowing that my contribution matters (whatever it is). I want to feel included, to feel a part of something, to feel my contribution is significant (as in it matters, not that it's huge!).

This feels like work in progress. To be reflected, and slept on.

Does any of it resonate with you? I'd love to hear your thoughts and maybe we can dive into this question together.

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